Saturday, October 30, 2004

Equally Offensive (& Funny) to All

I usually don't like e-forwards, but this one made me laugh a lot. I think it equally offends every kind of person, so here goes:

Question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"


GEORGE W. BUSH -- "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here."

JOHN KERRY -- "Who told you the chicken crossed the road? I did? Well, I changed my mind. He didn't cross it. Well, maybe he did, but he didn't mean to, did he?"

AL GORE -- "I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people."

BILL CLINTON -- "I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?"

COLIN POWELL -- "Now, at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road."

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) -- "The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken."

SADDAM HUSSEIN -- "This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it."

RALPH NADER -- "The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road, because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV."

PAT BUCHANAN -- "The chicken crossed the road to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American."

RUSH LIMBAUGH -- "I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross."

MARTHA STEWART -- "No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information."

JERRY FALWELL -- "Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it -- 'the other side'. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side' and 'tolerance'." (Greg's Favorite)

DR. SEUSS -- "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!"

ERNEST HEMINGWAY -- "To die. In the rain. Alone." (Rebekah's favorite)

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. -- "I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question."

GRANDPA -- "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us."

BARBARA WALTERS -- "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road."

ARISTOTLE -- "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."

KARL MARX -- "It was a historical inevitability."

SIGMUND FREUD -- "The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity."

BILL GATES -- "I have just released eChicken 2004 which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken."

ALBERT EINSTEIN -- "Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?"

THE BIBLE -- "And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing."

COLONEL SANDERS -- "I missed one?"


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